One twenty-something's journey...

It's the final countdown...

2012-01-22T00:09:00.002-05:00

I'm two weeks into my last semester of school ever... which is incredibly hard to believe. I'm already starting to work on my bar application. We're going to resume the search for a place to live outside of Philly soon, and I've begun the job hunt. It's hard for me because I still don't know what I want to do with the law. I know that I don't want to do criminal work, and I know that I've really enjoyed the courses I've taken dealing with estate planning... I'm just hoping I can find something that won't involve fighting my way in and out of the city every single day.

We'll see.

For now, I'm fighting off a wicked cold and trying to enjoy movie night with Chris. :)

Because I should be working on a take home final...

2011-12-10T14:22:00.003-05:00

This semester has gone by so fast. It's been a blur. Here's a little overview:

We found a kitty we weren't able to keep, which lead to a roadtrip to Indianapolis a little before Thanksgiving. Atty has a home, and I got to see my friends David, Onnastasia, & their son, Hadrian.

My sister is pregnant, and cute as a button. Her belly is already getting so big, and she's not due until April! We found out about a month ago that she's having a girl. I can't wait to spoil my niece!

Chris and I went to the Melting Pot over Thanksgiving Break to celebrate my 26th birthday... I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20 now. I started to write "Sad day!" but as I thought about it, I'm a lot happier now than I was at age 20, even if there was more fun and less responsibility then.

I've been doing Weight Watchers for 16 weeks now, and got my "Stay and Succeed" charm this week. I've lost 35 pounds in a safe and healthy way- no 1200 calories and 6 mile runs anymore. I'm hoping to lose about 115 pounds total, and I'm hoping to achieve that milestone before Chris and I get married. We've found the ring and he's been saving the money, so I figure he'll ask me sometime in the spring.

I've revised my resume, and I'm going to begin my Philly job hunt over Christmas Break. It's less than six months until we move north!

And finally.....
I graduate law school in 5 months and 2 days!!!

An exhausting week...

2011-10-10T23:58:00.004-04:00

This week is already crazy. There's tons of reading, lots of cleaning, and we "adopted" a new kitty. He showed up on my door step and didn't leave for a week. He's at Chris's house now, and is going in for his shots next week- then he can meet my kitty Toby. We named him Atticus Finch... Attie for short. Chris picked the name and said it could be to remind us of the kitty we got in law school.

Weight Watchers was disappointing this week. I followed the plan METICULOUSLY, and didn't even eat all my bonus points, and I didn't lose any weight. I had a big loss last week and haven't been sleeping well this week though, so that probably has something to do with it.

It's been frustrating going back and forth between Chris and my apartments- we're almost always at my house, but we're trying to keep the kitties separated until Attie has all his shots. The back and forth is frustrating, and I can't wait until ALL of our stuff (and kitties) will be together next year.

I'm keeping my eyes focused on the end of the week: Thursday, we're going to look at rings downtown (yay sparkly! yay engagement rings! yay Chris!!), and Friday I'm heading home for a visit with my immediate family and a visit to my grandparents way down in Logan, WV.
Here's hoping it'll be a fast week!

Balance

2011-10-06T23:34:00.002-04:00

I've lost a total of 20 pounds since I've started weight watchers again, and I'm so pleased with how I'm going about my weight loss:

I'm not being crazy, all or nothing.

I go to the gym if I have time, which usually ends up being 2-3 times a week.
Today I went on a nice long walk with my friend Ambria at the rail trail. The weather was beautiful, and we talked the entire time. :)

I'm making sure I eat foods I enjoy that aren't exactly points friendly, but truly hit the spot. I fit them into my plan, and I don't feel deprived.

I know it will only get harder, but right now I'm really happy with how things are going!

Another week on the wagon...

2011-10-02T11:32:00.006-04:00

I'm still loving the new Points Plus system on Weight Watchers. I only lost half a pound last week, but I got to my 5% goal, and I should have a good weigh in tomorrow.

What's really been helpfuls is finding little treats I enjoy that help me stay on track, but feel like I'm not depriving myself. I've really been enjoying Starbucks Chai Lattes, made w/ nonfat milk (4 points plus for a tall).

I get one a few times a week at the starbucks at school. I was also excited to see that Starbucks has a good nutritional calculator on their website. Check it out here if you haven't already.

I'm also doing things like getting my nails done, or buying magazines to treat myself. Here's hoping things will continue to go well!

Points Plus

2011-09-22T20:18:00.004-04:00

When I found out that Weight Watchers was switching to a new program, I was very against it. I'd done the points system on and off from the time I was 16, and now they were coming out with something new? It freaked me out, and I vowed I wouldn't follow this scary new system.

But my weight was getting out of control. Chris and I were eating out all the time, and being lazy. Lots of movies and snuggling, not very much time in the gym.

This summer, we started looking at engagement rings, and I started thinking, I don't want to be a fat bride. I don't want to be miserable and feel self-concious on what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Also, I had to go on blood pressure medicine, and I generally wasn't feeling good...

So I decided to go back to weight watchers.

I'm so glad I did because I absoultely LOVE the points plus system. Most fruits and veggies are zero points, I always feel full, and I've lost 13.5 pounds in the past month. Things are going so well! :)

What I like most of all is that I'm trying to be sensible. I'm not going crazy, not eating and spending hours in the gym. This time, I'm going about my weight loss in a healthy and hopefully sustainable way.

How is it already September?

2011-09-01T23:18:00.003-04:00

(Bear with me... short and random!)

Fall is my absolute favorite season. I love the leaves changing colors, cooler weather, everything pumpkin, and the whole feel of the season. But I cannot believe it's already September!!

My summer in Philly flew by... Chris and I did something EVERY weekend. The zoo, the art museum, Phillies games, Peddler's Village, New Hope, wineries, a wedding in Lexington... the summer was a blur.

So we're back in Morgantown, school is two weeks in, and going well so far... it's the last year of law school. Next summer Chris and I will officially be moving up to Philly, since he was offered a big lawyer job!!! So proud of him! :) It's nice to know now, so I can already start looking for something.

I'm back on Weight Watchers, I've lost 9 pounds so far, and I'm really enjoying the points plus system. Zero point fruit may be the greatest thing WW has ever done! So far, I'm not having any trouble staying on track. Let's hope it stays that way!

Halfway through the summer...

2011-06-30T09:55:00.003-04:00

Chris informed me the other day that our summer outside of Philly is half over. Today, I love it here.

We've been thoroughly exploring the area every weekend, and last weekend we went to Jewler's Row in Philly. It's two full blocks of jewelry stores... fabulous, sparkling jewelry stores. And while we were in those stores, we looked at some engagement rings. I discovered that the emerald cut engagement rings I love make my hands look like little sausages, so it looks like I'm going to be going with something a little more traditional. It was something that's made me smile for the past week. It feels like even just looking at rings is making our relationship even stronger.

After he took me to the land of the shiny, we went to Reading Terminal Market, and didn't leave until we had cheesesteaks, ice cream, cookies, and some cool art to take home. It really was the perfect weekend.

On Tuesday we went to our first Phillies game, and had standing room only seats. We spent the game walking around the huge stadium, and it was a blast. There's a picture I put up on twitter from that. At the time of this writing, it's still in the sidebar.
The weekend before, we went to the art museum, which was fantastic.

So even though I'm excited about all the fun we've been having, I am looking forward to going back to Morgantown and seeing all my friends. Then I'll have stories about people other than my love!

Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast...

2011-06-15T11:52:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been a blur.

I finally have a job- I'm doing research for a Pennsylvania Bar Association committee, and I get to work from home. Unfortunately for me, working from home = 0 motivation, so it's hard for me to focus.

I spent the past week visiting friends from college in Indianapolis. We had a blast and fit the zoo, birthday parties, swimming, and shopping in a long weekend. Tomorrow I have to drive to Harrisburg in the morning for a two day meeting for work. Work is paying for me to stay in the hotel, but I'm rooming with someone I've never met... which kind of sucks.

Today I'm trying to work a bit, catch up on laundry, and get ready to leave again.
Busy busy busy...

Oh what a difference a day makes...

2011-05-25T13:37:00.002-04:00

This week I've:
-booked plane tickets for the Mandy/Hamby wedding in July
-booked plane tickets to go visit Onnastacia and David (and precious 9 mo. Hadrian)
-Lost 3 pounds
-Walked to the gym and rode the bike
-Set up a job interview for Tues (for a legal job)

I am tickled that the lady called today to set up an interview- for a research job working with the PA bar association. I was getting pretty depressed about not having any luck whatsoever. But things are starting to look up!

A week in, and 3lbs down...

2011-05-24T09:50:00.002-04:00

My diet is going really well.

I'm not being insane. If I want to eat something, I eat it. If I don't feel like working out, I don't. We went to Philadelphia this weekend and I had a cheesesteak and a cannoli. We also walked at least 5 miles that day. I went to the gym and rode the bike one day, and the elliptical a few days later.

I belivieve I'm doing something you all might have heard of, called "sensible eating". I always thought this was just a myth, but it seems to be working so far.

Now if only I could find a legal job...

The first few days...

2011-05-17T13:11:00.003-04:00

I wanted to move my blog away from weight loss. I was going through a time where I didn't care what my weight was doing- school was crazy, I fell in love, and my health got put on the back burner.

But here we are, finished with two years of law school, and I find myself 10 pounds below my highest weight ever. To see the scale tell you you're up 75 pounds since since you started school really sucks. I started caring about how much I weighed again. My clothes from last summer don't fit. I'm really out of shape.

Now don't get me wrong.
Things are good. Really good.

But I don't FEEL good, so it's time for some things to change.

It's time to get back on the weight loss wagon.
I'm eating 1800 calories a day, and I went to the gym today for the first time in quite a while, where I rode the exercise bike for about 40 minutes. It's going to be a long road back, but I've done this before and I know it's possible to do it again.

Settled in...

2011-05-14T11:22:00.002-04:00

This morning I officially unpacked the last box. The apartment is wonderful- it's huge, and it was so clean when we moved in- I was shocked!

We went to Doylestown yesterday, and I got the bar association directory for the county. I found an office that deals exclusively with family law and estate planning, and I'm surprised by how much I want to work there. Here's hoping they need some help this summer!

Chris is in Harrisburg today for a work seminar, and I've been picking up this morning. I'm getting ready to go get a pedicure and go get the last little things we need (dryer sheets, over the door hook for our towels, etc).

It's silly, but I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I'm in a huge apartment outside of a big city living with my boyfriend... life's exciting right now, and I'm happy.

Tomorrow's the big day...

2011-05-11T02:57:00.003-04:00

Moving day starts tomorrow!

Chris has already been snoring for almost two hours. I'm still up, checking last minute stuff, making sure the laundry's done, full of nervous energy. We're going on the first leg of the trip tomorrow- staying the night at his parent's house, then getting up early Thursday morning to drive the other half of the trip and move on in to our enormous apartment outside the city.

Moving always stresses me out- especially when it's not a full move. I know I'm going to forget something important/ the new place will be filthy/ one of us will get hurt in the moving process/ the cat will barf in his carrier/ etc. Something like that's gonna go down.

But here's to hoping it'll all go smoothly!

47.5 hours until sweet summer...

2011-05-02T16:59:00.002-04:00

Tax final tomorrow.
ADR paper due Weds by 4:30.

Summer's so close I can taste it.

Healing...

2011-04-28T17:43:00.004-04:00

So I do have ringworm. Fun fact- 20% of the US population has it at any given time, and most of them don't know it. All I know is that since my doctor switched my meds (the stuff I was on is actually known to make ringworm worse), I'm starting to feel a lot better.

Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary with my Chris. We spent the evening with me in sweats studying for the Child Protection and the Law final that we had this morning. He then spent the latter part of the evening reassuring me when I cried over this damn rash for at least the 5th time (it's itchy and ugly and it makes me feel dirty at all times and I've had to go to the doctor three times, and the cat had to be taken to the vet, and his has gotten worse and his medicine made him really sick and we had to stop it...so he's a itchy and miserable cat...)

That boy of mine treats me like a princess. I'm bawling, with my hair up on top of my head in a knot, covered in red rashes from head to belly button... and he's sitting there telling me how pretty I am and how much he's enjoyed the past year and reassuring me that the cat is not going to die from the bad reaction to his medicine and I'm not going to fail our final and it'll all be ok.

(The week we started dating)

I sure do love him!

Because this year hasn't brought enough funky health issues...

2011-04-26T01:18:00.003-04:00

So, I'm covered in bug bites... or something, and it's god awful. They're on my neck, my chest, my arms, and my stomach. I went to the doctor last week, she suggested we bug bomb and gave me a steroid cream that I am only to use in a very very limited amount for a week tops.

So we bug bomb. And we spider spray after killing 10 spiders the size of quarters. And we scrub all the bedding and make sure we don't have bed bugs. And I very sparingly cover my bumps in this cream...

And here we are, a week later... and it's still awful. I've been sending pictures to my favorite doctor (aka Daddy) via our iphones... and now he's telling me to go back because it's likely fungal. Which is a nice way of telling your daughter that the kitten her boyfriend's mom adopted a few weeks ago and left at her house for the weekend probably gave ringworm to her cat, who has now spread it on to her. (Fun fact- ringworm isn't worms... it's a bacteria)

So as if finals aren't stressful enough as is, I'm covered in a nasty rash,I've been trying to de-bug for bugs that didn't exist for the past several days, and now I'm going to have to reclean everything the cat touches in the few days until I can get him to the vet.

(And on top of it all, I have a cut on my top lip)

Two apartments to scrub, 19 pages left to write, and 2 finals until I'm a 3L...

Check out my bestie's blog...

2011-04-23T15:49:00.002-04:00

Miss Megan and I have been friends since we were 12. Bossy and opinionated, fabulous and sweet... and always stylish... Megan has been there for me since we were little. She keeps me sane.

Check out her new blog here.

Back to my employment take home...

2 years of law school classes- Check.

2011-04-22T10:30:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my last day of class for the semester...

And I'm stressed as hell.

1- Four classes still to finish up- a take home, a 25 page paper, and 2 in class finals.
2- Still no summer job yet. Will be busy with finals for the next 12 days. Moving in 20 days.
3- Something is eating me alive in my apartment. I have these awful little red welts on my neck and tummy. We set off some bug bombs last night in my apartment, so hopefully that will take care of it.
4- Because something is eating me alive, I feel like my house is dirty even though I regularly clean it.

We've relocated to Chris's for a few days, bringing along the cat. I'll have to go to my place later to air it out from the bombs.

New goal- don't ever live on the bottom floor apartment next to the bank of trees again. :(

End of the semester...

2011-04-17T22:37:00.003-04:00

The semester is coming to a close. Soon, I'll be done with two years of law school.

Puffy purple hat, here I come...

But before we get there, there's:
-1 reflection paper
-1 25 page paper on divorce and ADR (which has been researched but otherwise has nothing)
-1 take-home emloyment final
-1 in-class child protection final
-1 in-class tax final
(Plus one more year...)

I'm trying to keep myself from getting stressed... but at the same time, I'm having the trouble of shutting down when I am getting really busy- which means that instead of reading, I'm writing on here, watching tv, or baking/cleaning.

Last week, I made us a nice little pasta dish, garlic bread, and brownies for desert. The brownies came out perfect, and I won't lie- I love it when Chris acts awed that I can cook (a little bit). I'm so excited to live with him this summer- we'll be living outside of Philly this summer. We went apartment hunting this weekend, and found the perfect place- 1 bedroom with den, but bigger than either of our 2 bedroom apartments now... I'm so excited to live with him. It feels like such a big, scary, grown-up step.

I'm hoping the summer will consist of lots of cooking, museum-ing, and exploring Philly. But it's also going to be a summer on a tight budget... I'm still job hunting, and Chris is saving up for things to come.

So while I'm getting stressed, I know I can do it. I'm happy, healthy, and in love. What more could I ask for?

Sleep is overrated...

2011-03-24T00:58:00.006-04:00

This evening I've been looking through my old posts. There's a part of me that really misses my "skinny" year, as I call it. In the year I took off, I really focused on myself, and what I could get my body to do.

I read about loving yoga, going to kickboxing, five mile runs, enjoying fitting into smaller clothes. I read about tasty pita sandwiches, yogurt and carrots and a whole lot of grapes... and it made me miss all that me time. I was the healthiest and the lightest I've ever been in that time. But at the same time, there was a lot that wasn't healthy- I was completely obsessed with food and exercise. I was in an unhealthy relationship. I spent the year being in love with the mirror...

(But seriously- look at how hot I was, lol- For some reason, blogger isn't letting me add pictures, so I had to do the link. Oh well, look at my narcissistic little link from 2 years ago if you want.

But anyways, I've been thinking about my relationships-
The relationship I was in wasn't healthy- I loved Nathan, but he wasn't ready for a girlfriend. And silly me, having never had someone act like they liked me as much as he did, I put up with a lot of shit- going weeks at a time without seeing him, making excuses when he didn't call, or put off seeing me. Sometimes I don't think you even realize how unhealthy a relationship was until you're in a healthy one. Growing up, I've been in a lot of unhealthy relationships. It was hard for me to accept that someone would love me for exactly who I am.

Next month will mark a year with Christopher. He's been gone since Friday, and it's surprised me how much I've missed him, how hard it is to go to sleep without him. He and I have so much fun together, and I'm looking forward to spending the summer with him in the Philadelphia area. Chris loves me unabashedly. He tells me how much he loves me, how he has fun with me, how beautiful I am. He loves me now like he did 45 pounds ago. In part, I'm sure, it's due to his mom, who struggled with her weight. He knows my weight will fluctuate, but it isn't everything. He loves me for me, baggage and all. I feel really lucky to have him. :)

So while I'm a lot heavier than I was in the skinny year, and while I know it's about time to lose some weight again (knees starting to hurt...and just not feeling good in general)... I'm happy with where I am in my life.

My first guest post!

2011-03-22T12:38:00.002-04:00

Be sure to check out my guest post on Ms. Potter's blog here today. Spring part 2!!

And to keep in line with both posts, today I am wearing jeans, a white shirt, and a green cardigan. Hope everyone's having a good week so far!

Spring

2011-03-21T12:55:00.004-04:00

Over at my friend Jess's blog, she's been encouraging everyone to talk about their spring style. My spring style, like the rest of my style, is basic. I like jeans and tshirts, cardigans, and simple sundresses. I wear a lot of grey, black, and beige.

In fact, this is a "wild" outfit for me- more than one print! More than one color!

What I love about spring is the joy found in the first few warm and sunny days, breaking out the flip flops and sundresses, and finding a little time to sit in the sun and read a good book.

These are all things I love:

A perfect place to spend lazy afternoons reading... for fun, not for law school.

To feel like this... this picture makes me feel happy and hopeful.

Comfy flats in EVERY color... I'm on the lookout for the perfect grey flats right now...

Pretty flowers for my coffee table or kitchen table...

And the perfect outfit.

Off to meet with career services about my resume, and then to work on my final trial for trial ad for a bit....

This week is nice...

2011-03-10T22:37:00.003-05:00

It turns out my food poisioning was the stomach flu- I finally felt better, and then I had to take care of Chris while he had it. We're finally starting to feel back to normal, and we've been taking the week slow so as to recover.

The good of this week?

Trying on my Barrister's Ball dress, which I bought when having a "I feel fat, nothing looks right, I have to have SOMETHING" dress... only to discover that it's flattering and fun and flowy. I'm really looking forward to putting together my outfit for Saturday. :)

A nice little Olive Garden date with Chris last night with lots of laughing.

Winning 4 of my 5 PIA auction bids- a haircut and eyebrow wax at a nice salon, 2 gift cards to a cute shop downtown, and some of our stylish Dean's jewelry including some pretty and delicate gold bangles and a pretty chunky pearl necklace. (All for about $26!!)

New eyeshadow and mascara :D

My last class before Spring Break (Tax) being cancelled next Friday

Aaaaaannnnnddd.... a new book to read over spring break.

Life is looking up. I spent the evening pampering a bit- exfoliating in preparation of Saturday, a nice long bath, and lots of good smelling lotion.

Recovering

2011-03-06T15:43:00.003-05:00

I got food poisoning Friday night. I woke up at 3 AM, and proceeded to be sick until about 10:30 last night. It was AWFUL.

But I slept last night from 11 until almost 1PM today, which helped a lot.

I'm still weak and trying to rehydrate... but HW is calling, and Trial Ad won't wait.

I seriously need some me time.

2011-02-17T00:03:00.004-05:00

This semester is crazy. Every weekend is spent preparing for Trial Advocacy, and all but one of my classes are incredibly reading heavy. I'm getting to the point in the semester where I'm burnt out.

And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been to the gym at all this semester! Not a single spinning class (which you know I love, if you've read much of my blog), or a single thirty minute session on the elliptical.

I'm dreaming of having $1100 and the room for this- a official Spinning bike, computer, and huge collection of workouts. Oh how I love spinning.

I know I'll feel better if I just go work out, but I'm so busy. Here's hoping I find some time.

Because we'll pretend I don't have another 70 pages to read tonight...

2011-02-13T20:54:00.006-05:00

Today I'm thinking of some of my favorite places I've been:

The creek at the summer camp I went to, and worked at-

Our old beach house-

(With my sister on my sweet 16)

Wishing I could be either place today... :)

Busy busy busy...

2011-02-04T00:35:00.006-05:00

This has been the longest week EVER.
I have been in a wretched mood.

So I've eaten out all week, and I feel sluggish. Chris told me tonight that his clothes don't fit (boo hoo, bf... I have clothes in that closet from a 12 to a 24), so it looks like I'll have a gym buddy in the coming weeks.

I'm also tired, and always on the run. But tomorrow's Friday!

And while it's another busy day, I think I can handle:
-Morning haircut... still trying to grow my hair out, but I think I'm gonna do some swoopy bangs to make things wild and crazy
I'm thinking LC or Nicole Ritchie... minus the skankyness.

-1 50-minute class
-Shopping with Megan (who's been one of my best friends since we were 12)

-Couples dinner w/ Jake and Paige
-3L 100 days till graduation party.

It should be a long but fun day!

Time takes time, you know...

2011-01-30T17:18:00.002-05:00

This semester is already flying by.

Here's just a brief update on my life:

Last weekend, my Uncle Bud passed away and I had to go home for his funeral. He was the only other sibling of the 6 that really grew up with my dad, so I know Daddy took it hard. However, Uncle Bud had fought for around a year with very bad lung cancer, so I'm glad he's not suffering anymore.

This weekend I had Magistrate court mediation training- ie, trying to get small claims to reach their own agreement with the help of a neutral third party, so they don't have to go to court. I enjoyed the make believe sessions a lot and am looking ftorward to learning more about mediation.

In school, I'm taking income tax, trial advocacy, employment law, child protection and the law, and alternative dispute resolutions. It's a busy, intense semester with trial ad (I'll have a full trial to do before finals), and I feel like I still haven't quite caught my stride this semester.

Tomorrow is the boy's bday, and I'm looking forward to celebrating with him and giving him his presents! They're just little things, but I hope he likes them.

And now, back to my opening statement I have to give tomorrow. Blech.

A new year...

2011-01-18T20:54:00.003-05:00

And so another year has come to pass.

I realized that I hated my blog because I felt like a failure when I looked at it. My weight has been steadily climbing while I've been in law school, and keeping my blog solely weight-loss centric made me avoid it.

The thing is, I enjoy blogging. I enjoy sharing my life and reading about other people's lives. When I actively blogged a couple years ago, I feel like I made some real connections with some wonderful people.

So now I'm trying to think about what I want to make this blog. I guess we'll see what comes out!

For an update on my life...
-I'm half way done with law school.
-I've been dating my amazing boyfriend for almost 9 months now, and our relationship is wonderful. I've never had anyone love me like he does. :)
-I'm trying to make more time for fun away from school
-I'll probably be moving to Philadelphia this summer, and then hopefuly moving for good when we're done with school... I'm looking for a summer clerkship!

A month in...

2010-09-26T22:08:00.002-04:00

I'm a month into my return to Weight Watchers, and I'm down 12 pounds!

But let me tell you, I'm finding it tough to do Weight Watchers and school. The old law school maxim says they scare you to death the first year, work you to death the second year, and bore you to death your last year. So far, this seems true. My second year has kept me insanely busy. Next week will be the halfway point in the semester- time is certainly flying! My goal for this week is to start my Wealth Transfers outline and to start reading my research for my Gender paper.

As far as my diet goes, I've been off-track the past three days. Chris and I went to a Pirates game on Friday, and I ate the whole time, lol. I'm PMSing like crazy, and being quite nasty to him... and well, the only way that turns off is if I eat what I want. I'm planning on going to spinning at least three times this week, so hopefully it'll counteract my unhealthy eating. I find it much easier to stay on track through the week.

I'm proud that I made it to spinning Saturday morning. I know that I tend to harp on about spinning, but it's the first workout I've found that I just enjoy. Fat or skinny, on the wagon or off, I just enjoy spinning. It's not my dark room closed door spin class I had in Lexington, but the big airy open door policy here is growing on me.

I've been reading the book Anne (Happy Fun Pants) suggested to me in her comment on my last post... I'm finding it interesting, and will talk about it in posts to come.

For those of you reading and on your own weight-loss/health journeys, keep up the good work!

And so it starts all over again...

2010-09-06T16:54:00.003-04:00

Everything I'm writing keeps coming out negative.

Here's the situation:
1- I went back to WW. I weighed in at 251 pounds, and lost 10 pounds in the first week.

2- I went to the doctor this summer to get a checkup. My blood pressure is high. The first thing the PA told me was "we don't give out diet pills here", and later said, well, have you ever tried a food journal? Weight watchers? Calorie counting? (Well duh.)

3- I feel like I'm a failure (at weight loss).

On the other hand...
1- I'm enjoying my classes this semester. 2L is much better than the year of being a scared 1L.

2- My boyfriend is amazing. He loves me for who I am. He reaffirms how pretty I am and how much he loves my body (as is) on a daily basis. We take care of each other and do what we can for each other.

3- There's a hint of fall in the air, and fall's my favorite season. I'm snuggled with Toby cat. I'm done with today's HW and I'm getting ready to go to the gym... Life isn't so bad.

I just feel like I'm not appreciating the good life I have because I'm so hung up on insubstantial issues. And I can't figure out how to get to that happy place even though it probably looks like I'm there:

I wonder where I'm going, and I wonder where I am...

2010-06-14T00:23:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile.

I've been working/volunteering for two separate law offices two days a week. I LOVE IT. I enjoy learning more about the legal system, going to court, meeting with clients, researching law in the real world. I learn something new every day!

I'm also taking Appellate Advocacy right now- a required writing class. The next week and a half is going to be intense, focusing on getting my brief written and preparing for my oral argument. On the good side, I love my professor, and will be taking her again if I get the chance (she's an adjunct professor). Only 2 more weeks and the class will be over- and OH WOW do I have a lot to do. :)

And the rest of my time is with the new boyfriend. He makes me happy and makes me laugh and treats me so ridiculously well. I've never dated someone I was good friends with before... and it's such a wonderful transition from being good friends to being in a relationship. I feel like I've been glowing for the past seven weeks.

But on the other side...

my weight is out of control.

237.2. I know. 237?!?! That's up about 60 pounds.
SIXTY POUNDS.
And yeah... it's still down 46 pounds from my highest weight, which is great.
But I worked so hard for so long, and I've thrown that away this year.

And ummm.... I've been wearing a whole lot of dresses because none of my pants fit.

And I know it's from sitting around watching movies. From ordering the large popcorn with candy. From eating pizza and pasta and candy and ice cream and milkshakes and biscuits and brownies... It's from not being in the gym since before finals.

So here we go. Time to get busy, time to get serious, time to go back to Weight Watchers and back to the gym.

I've done it before, and I WILL do it again.

Wish me luck!

Happy happy happy...

2010-04-28T11:22:00.001-04:00

Weight: 218.8... down .6... which is awesome for finals and not being at the gym in a week.
Finals: 1 down, 3 to go.
New Boyfriends: 1

:)

Life is pretty great these days... now onward to shower and go back to the library.

My first 5k

2010-04-19T00:11:00.002-04:00

Today I did my first 5k. I ran the first 3/4 mile and walked the rest of it... it was WVU Law's "Race for Justice"- with the proceeds going to help those who can't afford legal services.

So some fun facts- it was cold and misting on and off throughout the race. I was the only walker. The course was poorly marked. I got lost and walked an extra 2 miles, according to the pedometer on the almighty iphone...so not only was I dead last, I was lost, tired, and pissed off, haha.

But all in all, it was fun, and I hope to run the race next year.

And I weighed in for the week... -4.8 pounds! Gotta love the big loss that comes from the first week truly back on track! I'm now at 219.2.

Goals for this week:
-Track every day
-Earn 20-25 activity points for the week (I earned 21 this week)
-Sleep at least 6 hours every night (I know this isn't enough, but it's the last week of class and life is INSANE)

This time baby I'll be bulletproof...

2010-04-18T10:47:00.003-04:00

La Roux's "Bulletproof" has been my song of the week. It's been on repeat during my workouts especially.

So far, getting back on track has been going well, though in the name of preserving points I have been the DD for the past two nights, lol. The iphone WW app is especially helpful in keeping me on track because I can look up and add what I'm eating wherever I am. That helps me make better choices and stick to things that are lower in points.

My biggest thing right now is going to be keep tracking, and remind myself that it's going to take awhile to get back to that oh so glorious 178. And that's the thing that sucks about weight... it's so easy to pack on the pounds, and so much harder to make them go away.

Today I'm doing my first 5k ever... here's hoping it goes well!!

Don't be surprised if updates are scarce in the next three weeks- it's the last week of classes and then two weeks of finals. Where in the hell did my 1L year go?!?!?!?

Baby steps...

2010-04-15T13:16:00.003-04:00

First off, thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement on my last post. I'm trying to get back on track. I threw out my junk food. When we went out to eat I suggested subway. I went to the store and stocked up on fruits and veggies and healthy snacks.

Yesterday, I tracked everything I ate. I've done it so far today. I lost 2 pounds this week. I'm going back to the gym... I'm taking the steps to get myself back on track.

And seeing the numbers go down is such a good feeling. :)

Also, 100 calorie packs cocoa roasted almonds = AH-MAZING!

The sun is shining and life is good...

2010-04-06T13:21:00.002-04:00

My weight the other day was 228. I saw it and wanted to cry, to stomp my feet and demand an answer as to WHY this was happening to me.

It's an issue of wanting to blame someone else, something else. It couldn't be MY BAD choices that did this... could it?

I don't sleep enough. I don't watch what I eat. I sure as hell don't run three miles and then go to spinning these days, lol.

But for now, that's ok.

I'm taking another go at it. I'm trying not to beat myself up over bad choices, and trying to throw in some good ones.

I didn't go to the gym this morning, but I did clean my house (including sweeping, vaccuming, and moving furniture).

I had 2 muffins today for breakfast... but they're low calorie muffins that are super easy and quick to make.

The sun is shining, I'm in a cute skirt, and for the moment, life is very good. :)

Random musings from 5 AM...

2010-03-21T04:54:00.005-04:00

Tonight I stayed at the library till 10, did a late night walmart run, then went to my friend Chris's for a few hours. I got home and wasn't ready to crawl in bed yet, so I started catching up on blogs and I came across this one from Kenz. It's about big girl love.

I feel like love is a frequent topic in this blog, and that it's frequent in most twenty-something's life. I'm 24 years old, and I have friends getting married and starting their families. I have yet to find a serious boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I felt, and still feel very strongly about my last boyfriend, but he just wasn't ready to be serious, I guess.

My weight has always been an issue for me. I have a journal I've kept since I was 15, on and off. The posts are hauntingly similar- my weight is up, my weight is down, no one will ever love me because I'm fat... my journal revolves around my weight, around my dating life, around my struggles of trying to accept myself.

And to what end?

I'm young. I'm healthy (I'm 24 and I work out at least three times a week... although I realize that obesity will lead to health problems and stuff, let's face it... I'm 24 and not worried about those issues yet). I'm smart.

But I worry that no one will love me because of my weight. Because of my insecurity about my weight. Because somedays I truly believe that I'm a bit batshit crazy.

The thing to realize is that to be in love, I need to love myself more. I know this. We all know that when you're in a good place with yourself it's a lot easier to be in a good place with others.

In thinking about my self image I'm reminded of the horrible incident I had with Nathan earlier this year. Essentially, there were tears in bed and me asking if I was less attractive being heavier than I was when we were together.

The odd thing for me is that I get hit on in the bars a lot lately. A whole lot. I'm still dealing with this, because I know so much of it is drunk guys looking for one thing. But at the same time, my girlfriends and I constantly have this conversation: we all want to feel wanted.

So that's why I smile when ex ex texts me. That's why I like to get Nathan to admit he wishes he were here watching a movie or drifting off to sleep snuggled up. It's why I like it when someone buys me a drink, talks to me for a long time, holds my hand when we navigate an icy parking lot, or even just when I get an extra long stare from an attractive man.

We all want to be wanted, and now I'm trying to navigate the waters of what I want, what I need, and what's right for me.

You've come a long way, baby...

2010-03-07T22:38:00.005-05:00

Facebook stalking led me to some old pictures... I'll post some in the next few posts.

The one above is from a fraternity dance from my junior year in college. Dress size 24.

The ones below are from Barrister's Ball, or "law school prom" last weekend. Dress size 16.

My weight might be up, but I've still come a long way... that makes me pretty freaking happy.

It's been a long time coming...

2010-03-07T17:51:00.000-05:00

The past month has not been diet friendly.

I had a huge paper due. I got sick. I went out with my friends. I had a big midterm. Life got in the way.

And I know these things happen, but I actually miss working full time (the grass is always greener on the other side, am I right?).

When I worked, I didn't have homework every day. I went to work, I went to the gym, I hung out with Nathan. I LOVED going and spending time in the fancy gym. I loved having NOTHING to do on the weekends. I loved my life a lot of days, even if I was adjusting to the time management of it all.

I'm starting to wonder what I need to push myself.
The numbers aren't pushing me. I weighed in at 218 this morning.
The tight clothes aren't doing it... I still have clothes that look great, and am getting plenty of attention. My rings I had to get resized 1.5 sizes smaller are still big.

So what's it going to take?
Why am I no longer motivated?
I look at my body and am unhappy, but unmotivated to change.

So how do I move past this?
How do I make it about me again?

Note to self:

2010-02-08T11:34:00.002-05:00

Less: -booze
-chocolate
-potato chips
-mac n cheese
-sitting on the couch

More: -Gym/ workout videos
-veggies and fruits
-HW :(

Gained 1 pound this week- I made bad eating choices all week. I didn't track, missed the gym because of the snow and didn't do workout videos, and am generally just surprised I didn't gain more than a pound.

It happens, but it's still frustrating, even when you do it to yourself.

My goals for this week:
-track every day
- no alcohol (no going out for caucus this Thursday)
- workout 4 times this week... gym if I can make it, otherwise I have 2 biggest loser dvds, a pilates video, tae bo, etc....

Time to get back on track little lady!

Workouts, kisses, jobs, and other sundy issues...

2010-01-31T23:48:00.000-05:00

This week was long, but led into an amazing weekend, full of friends, bars, pottery painting, and kisses, haha. There was also mucho library time, and a few shopping trips this week.

I love my group of friends in Morgantown. I love my Property class especially. I don't love my grades from last semester, which are making me freak out about getting a job this summer. It looks like I'll be volunteering instead of finding something that pays. Oh well, at this point it's the experience that matters!

I skipped my workout on Friday because I had a little too much fun Thursday night (my 8:30AM Friday class got canceled and so I went out with my girlies), but I walked somewhere around a mile or two back to my car that night, so I got a workout in.

I have officially decided the dress I'm wearing is my lucky dress. Jess and Ambria made me buy it... and all I can say is that it's a dress that gets compliments, while also making my waist look iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttyyyy bitty. You can't really see anything but... well, my "girls", in the picture, so here's the actual dress:

It's a LARGE from Forever 21. A LARGE!!!!!!!!! I don't know that I've ever worn a large in anything. :)

So all in all, things seem to be on the right track now. I'm eating out a lot, but trying to stick to healthy choices. I'm going to the gym, or if not, I'm hiking Morgantown in heels, or dancing the night away... so here's to finding a balance between fun, my diet, my workouts, and school.

Tomorrow's weigh in day: stay tuned for results! :)

A brief update...

2010-01-27T21:13:00.001-05:00

Diet- good.
Exercise- good.
School- the bane of my existence.

The gym is your friend...

2010-01-22T00:27:00.004-05:00

This week has been a blur of homework, little sleep, gym time, and lots and lots of friend time. On the diet front, I'm okay. I've been eating over my points just about every day (aside from Monday's goddess day), but I'm tracking everything and still haven't used up my weekly points.

I've also hit the gym three times this week, walking between 45 mins and an hour each time. I'm hoping to get in a hardcore sweaty "last chance" style workout tomorrow- where I leave the gym dripping with sweat, aching, but feeling so freaking amazing. I think I'm going to have to hit the treadmill and kick it up to get there, but I can do it.

So one of my favorite things I've found with the iphone is a Pedometer app. I don't know how accurate it really is, but it's helpful to show me how fast I'm moving (it gives current and average mph speed) and how long I've been going. I was a little sad to see that off the treadmill, my fast walk is about a 3.4-3.6 mph pace. I always walk at 4.0 mph on the treadmill. But I think it's also good to see what I can do- for instance, I find that I go much faster when I walk/jog alone, but I'll walk much longer (and slower) when I'm with my friend Ambria.

Either way, right now I'm just happy that I'm back in the gym. My gym buddies and I all signed up for a program called "Body For Break"- a little competition that encourages you to come to the gym and lose body fat in preparation of spring break.

I'm trying not to go back to the crazy mindset I had last year- where I couldn't just go workout for 30 minutes or so... instead I would run 3 miles, go to spinning, and then lift weights. For what I want to accomplish, sure, that's a great way to go about it. But I've shown myself time and time again that an all or nothing mentality can't be what I have. Instead, I need to focus on making small sustainable healthier choices.

I can do this. :)

Feeling like a goddess...

2010-01-18T19:08:00.002-05:00

There are some days where a diet... err, healthy lifestyle, just works.

It's 7 pm and I have 12 weight watcher points left. I'm currently feeling good full...

I had salad for dinner, followed by 2 cups of fruit (strawberries and pineapple). I walked with Ambria for 1.5 hours and we talked about our weekends. I did my important HW this morning, and I've done 2 loads of laundry today.

Today, I feel like I have control of myself, of my diet. I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make yummy turkey sandwiches. I bought grapes, strawberries, pineapple, salad, and various other healthy things.

Sometimes you just need one good day to let you know that you can do it, that eating healthy isn't so hard. You need that day where even if you did eat a cookie, the weight watchers online icon FINALLY SMILED at you for eating your fruits and veggies. You need a day where an hour and a half flies by since you're gabbing with a friend the entire time.

Today was amazing.

Ooo, and I went home over the weekend- 1 semester of law school has blinded me. Behold my adorable new glasses:

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back....

2010-01-15T11:37:00.001-05:00

This week has been hard for me to track everything I eat... even though I have the weight watchers app on my fancy iphone I got for Christmas. It's been hard getting back into eating healthy, and I'm somewhat of the mindset that I need to eat up my unhealthy foods. I haven't been eating all the fruits and veggies I should.

To combat this, I made a grocery list of healthy foods to pick up for next week. Also, my friend Callie and I are going to the gym three days a week, and she's starting weigh watchers next week, so we're going to be diet buddies. We're about the same size and within about 5 pounds of each other.

In some ways, I love being the same size as her because it gives me a little indication of how I look (and we all know I don't know what I look like)... so it gives me good perspective. :)

I only had a minute, but I wanted to update a little...

Next week's goals:
-Track
-Gym x 3
-Restart the 30 Day Shred of doom. :)

A new beginning...

2010-01-13T12:05:00.004-05:00

Well hello all. Once again, I have decided to jump back on the "oh hey, I need to get healthy" bandwagon.

What drove me to it this time?
My weight is up to 217.
I ended up in tears with Nathan... in bed.
None of my clothes fit.
I'm don't feel good!

So here we go again, day 1.

Today I have already...
-walked 3 miles with my friends
-lifted weights
-ate breakfast
-rocked @ law school... :)

I plan on...
-Rocking my 2:30 class
-Drinking lots of water today.
-Making a healthy dinner... even if it's frozen or out of a box.
-Tracking what I eat today.

So let's try this again.

But as always, happy fun disclaimer:
I am beautiful and fabulous and sassy. I have amazing friends that love me for who I am (including Nathan- the whole tears thing was MY deal). My weight loss has to be for me and about me... even if it means I need to get a little selfish sometimes.

Some of my gorgeous friends here in Mo-town... at a dance before break and out for a drink this past week:

Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it...

2009-12-02T12:36:00.003-05:00

My friend from law school, Ms. Potter, has the most amazing blog. I love it- it's so cute and quirky and loveable, just like Jess herself! The post linked in the quote below is my life right now. Finals start next week, I'm cranky, I'm stressed, and I've been picking fights with Nathan for no reason (still broken up... still talk every day). But I'm reminding myself that it's just 2 weeks, and I can do this. Trying to stay positive! :)

Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it.- Sweedish proverb

24...

2009-11-21T12:13:00.002-05:00

Today's my birthday. I'm officially the big 2-4. Old as dirt, I know. :)

I've been on a diet and blogging break. As much as I'm loving law school and all the new friends I've made (We went out to dinner on Thursday to celebrate. Over 20 people came. I felt so loved!!), law school wears me out! I constantly ride an emotional roller coaster, but overall I know I'm on the right path.

I've been trying to go to the gym a few times a week, and I'll admit that I miss going and running 3-5 miles 4-5 times a week. I miss spending hours in the gym. I just don't have the time for it now, and I'm mostly using my workouts as a way to relax. I still work hard and leave drenched in sweat, but working out has become more than just a calorie burner. And in a lot of ways, I think that's good for me.

So today I'm thankful to have everything I need and to be 80 pounds lighter than I was on my birthday 2 years ago. The sun is shining, I'm getting ready to head to North Carolina for a few days, and I'm off from school for the next week.

:)

Sitting, waiting, wishing.

2009-11-10T23:30:00.002-05:00

Lonely, starting to get stressed, diet just isn't happening. Nathan was supposed to come next week but is going to be home for the next 2-3 weeks because of a big family issue he says he can't tell me about.

I love school, but I'm so burnt out right now. I need a night with my best friends, where I laugh until I cry. I need to goof off and be silly.

And I need sleep.

I'm not dead...

2009-10-24T13:11:00.002-04:00

Hey all!

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. The past few weeks have been busy with 2 midterms, a paper, a visit from high school friends, and the drama that seems to be my life these days.

Overall, I'm happy (now that I'm past midterms).
However, I don't have anything really to update- life got crazy, my eating habits led me to oreos and pizza rolls and all that is delicious and greasy, and I only made it to the gym twice last week. I came home for the weekend, but I know I'm going to the gym tomorrow afternoon, and then to the grocery store to stock up on the fruits and veggies. :)

Busy as ever...

2009-10-13T12:48:00.002-04:00

Life is hectic right now. There was a midterm yesterday, a paper due this weekend, and another midterm next week. Add in friend time, gym time, errands, and the necessaries like eating, sleeping, and bathing... and life gets a little crazy.

I'm feeling removed today. I was social all evening yesterday; today I came home for lunch and decided to just stay here until I have to go back for Criminal Law. I just kind of need a little me time.

On the weight loss front, I actually gained this week- as I studied for the midterm, I just kept eating, and I didn't work out last week Wednesday through Friday. I'm trying to get myself back on track- yesterday's eating was terrible, but I'm doing better today.

And so it goes...

All in a day's work...

2009-10-09T01:02:00.002-04:00

My how the week has flown. I'm exhausted and incredibly glad tomorrow is Friday.

My eating has been pretty good this week, though I only worked out Monday and Tuesday. I donated blood on Wednesday and tonight I baked pumpkin cupcakes for class tomorrow (our Torts professor is making us have 4+ hours of class tomorrow, but we get a movie and snacks in the process) and I went to the movies tonight. I have plans tomorrow evening and Saturday morning/afternoon... the rest of the weekend will be devoted to studying for my contracts midterm.

The weight is hovering around 192 right now. It's a happy number. My favorite jeans button again, though they're still a bit too tight to wear. Also, I ordered tall boots earlier this week that should be here tomorrow- I have big calves and have never been able to wear tall boots. I finally got online and found some that should work, and I am soooooooooooooooooo freaking excited to wear them! They'll go perfect with a little gray sweater dress I have, and will open doors for more cute fall skirts/dress outfits. I'll post some pictures when I find an adorable outfit.

Workout Goddess

2009-10-05T22:57:00.001-04:00

Tonight's workout was FABULOUS.
Absolutely amazing.
I felt sooooo good when I left the gym.

I went to spinning, did arms for about 15-20 minutes, and then jogged about 1.5 miles. I literally felt stress melting off of me.

In other news, my dating life is a hot mess. Nathan and I are "talking" again, I think, and I've been hearing from the boyfriend from before Nathan in addition to a few new flirtations on the horizon. Right now I don't know what I want...and when I say I don't know what I want, I mean I want to be with Nathan but I don't know about the while long distance thing. We talked for a few hours last night and essentially established that if we were in the same town we would still be together.

Midterms and a big paper are also on the horizon for next week, so life is busy busy right now.

Despite the stresses, I'm happy.
Happier than I've been in a long time.

Let's remind ourselves of something...

2009-09-27T13:30:00.005-04:00

Today I got frustrated because I'm not in great shape anymore. My miles were all 13 minutes or over today, I got blisters because I haven't ran in a long time and I wore my old worn out shoes... but by the end of my workout, I realized I've got to stop being so negative and just remember the positive. The top picture is me today, sweaty and no makeup after I got home from running, lifting, and crunches. The other picture is me (far left) August 2007, sweating just sitting on a bench. Oh how far I've come. :)

Sometimes, I just have to remind myself that this is a JOURNEY, not a fast fix. I'll have my slip ups, my bad decisions, my set backs. But in the end, I know I'm moving towards a better place.

I know it won't fix everything. If anything, I've learned that being 90 or 100 or 110 pounds lighter doesn't magically make things disappear. In many ways, it brings out new problems you've never dealt with before (hello, dating and hooking up)... but until I really focus that this whole journey thing has to be about ME and not anyone else, I'm not going to do as well as I could.

Living the good life...

2009-09-26T14:38:00.002-04:00

I'm so glad it's the weekend. I tend to get so stressed out and run down during the week, and I love using the weekends to recharge.

This morning I woke up, went to the gym for 45 minutes, and went to the tanning bed for the first time in months. I know it's terrible for you, but quite frankly I enjoy that time where no one is talking to you, you're warm and cozy, and you feel kind of like a snake sunning itself on a rock.

My diet's actually been going really well the past few days, and I've managed to keep up with workouts too. The number on the scale is going down, I feel like I'm making a lot of new friends and starting to adjust, and overall, life is good.

Life in Morgantown

2009-09-24T08:54:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to put up a couple pictures from a few weekends ago... weight around 197 in these. The top picture is me and my friend Josh at the party a few weeks ago, the bottom one is tailgating with Lauren.

I woke up to 194.2 smiling at me on the scale, I'm feeling better than I did last night, and I want to make the most of my day.

My upcoming weight goals:
193.2- 90 pounds lost
186- Where I started WW in the spring
183.2- 100 pounds lost
178- The long term plateau weight. Also the weight I know my favorite jeans will fit again. :)

Lonely, baby I'm not lonely, baby I got my imaginary friends...

2009-09-23T18:29:00.002-04:00

Title courtesy of "Lonely Holiday" from the Old 97's.

It's official.
I'm sad.
I miss my friends in Lexington, even as I'm making new ones here.
I'm missing Lexington... walking through downtown, reading in one of the parks, the major shopping, the local restaurants, the quirky little stores.
I miss Nathan even if he's not in Lexington now.
I miss having a boyfriend.
I miss Nathan being my boyfriend.
I miss Nathan period.
I did something with someone other than Nathan that I don't necessarily regret, but I wish hadn't happened. Upon telling one of my dear old friends, he laughed at me, and told me that like with everything else in my dating life I'm just catching up to people, about 4 or 5 years later than most.

My diet isn't going so well either. I eat wonderfully or horribly...or not at all, if I'm sick, lol. Today was the first time I'd been to the gym in over a week (but I did have the plague last week). The weight that was so easy to gain is coming off so slowly- I'm down 6 pounds since I started, at about 1 pound a week.

Overall, I just need a friend. I need a long talk with Mandy as we walk laps after spinning at the gym. I need girl's night with my core group, a big hug and a friendly smile, and encouragement that things will get better and I'll find my place.

I can't say that I hate it here. I'm making friends and I enjoy my classes.
But today... today...

I really wish I was in my apartment half the size of this one, curled up with Nathan watching a movie, on the phone with Mom real quick, telling her I'm fine and having fun, no worries, and Mandy runs upstairs to stick her head in and say hi. I wish I had just gotten back from a Mexican dinner with the apartment gang, that I still had my huge bathroom and fancy bathtub. I wish I had my shitty view of New Circle road, but my awesome balcony.

Lexington became my home in the 5 years I lived there, and I'm missing my home!

The newest diet...

2009-09-18T21:01:00.002-04:00

I have a crazy new diet. It's called the flu. Get it for a few days, and watch how nothing sounds good... not even snickers bars or chocolate ice cream, lol. The weight will just melt off!*

In other news I got dizzy walking around Target this evening, so it looks like I'm going to be spending the weekend right here on the couch. Feeling a lot better, but still sick. Also, the grand flu diet has me down five pounds.

*Side effects include fever, sore throat, headache, congestion, dizziness, coughing, and a bright red nose from all the tissues I've used.

:P

Have a great weekend all!

One good thing about being sick...

2009-09-17T02:21:00.003-04:00

A terrible thing I love about being sick is the weight loss... I'm down almost 3 pounds in 2 days. It always makes me think of the scene in The Devil Wears Prada where the girl exclaims she's just one stomach flu away from her goal weight. =P

So yeah, I'm sick. My throat hurts, I have a fever, a massive headache, and I'm generally achy. This is complicated by the fact that sick or not, I still have a whole lot of reading and there's no missing law school unless you're pretty much dead. Woo. Good times.

I went to bed at 10 tonight and woke up at about 2:15... it's almost 3AM and I'm getting ready to climb back in.

Night all!

Busy busy...

2009-09-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

Oh, how the time is flying. I'm having trouble getting back on track although I'm not eating terribly by any means. Just not eating what I should to lose weight.

School keeps me super busy, and the past weekend was particularly wild. I got lots of walking in, to the point that my legs were sore from hill climbing... but this weekend marked another first for me, albeit a first I'm not so happy about. It's nothing terrible, just something that I'm surprised happened, and happened so fast.

Overall though, things are ok... not terrible, not fabulous... but ok.

The first slip up...

2009-09-08T20:59:00.002-04:00

I went home for the weekend, and ate from the time I got there until I fell asleep last night. This lead to this week's weight watchers weigh in... in which I lost 0.2 pounds. Better than a gain, but still a bummer after how well I've been eating!

School is going well- my first paper is due next Monday, so I'm trying to work ahead so I can have fun this weekend. There's a birthday party Friday night and a football game Saturday, so those will be fun and give me some good walking time- my friend that's having the party lives close enough to walk, and I can hike up to the law school for the tailgate Saturday morning. I'm getting excited!

I'm trying to go to spinning 2-3 times a week, and I'm loving it. Spinning relaxes me, and I have a friend that goes so it even gives me some social time. I'm mixing in 30 day shred as well, and feel like I'm already seeing some results.

I won't lie- I miss Nathan. We're still talking, but things are entirely different. I do like flirting again though... :)

Quick post before class, longer update this weekend.

2009-09-04T10:31:00.002-04:00

Workouts and eating are great, mostly because I'm still in upset mode and I'm working like crazy. Missing the boy even though I know it's probably for the better. Heading home this evening-- 2 classes until I start my weekend!

Don't stop till you get enough...

2009-08-31T21:25:00.002-04:00

I am a tired lady. Since Nathan and I broke up (officially on Saturday) I've been keeping myself crazy busy. I scrubbed down my apartment and went to a law school bar crawl Saturday. Sunday was spent in the library and doing laundry. Today was class, library, 30 day shred, spinning, cooked dinner, and now I'm watching Greek.

I also lost another 2 pounds this week, putting me back under 200 pounds. I'm going to be sore from today's workouts, but I like taking my mind off of things and I've been ridiculously productive with my homework this week. I'm headed home this weekend (escaping the first big football game).

Overall I'm less upset than I thought I would be. It seems like the only thing that's changed is that I'm getting flirty text messages again from my guy friends. Nathan and I are still talking every day, and it's a little weird.

Also, I made an excellent dinner tonight- salad with grilled chicken breast, carrots with hummus, and fresh strawberries. Nom nom nom.

Bear with me, this one's all over the place.

2009-08-28T10:46:00.006-04:00

Well, it's official. I survived the first week. It's been hard, but not as terrible as I thought it would be. My biggest adjustment has been going back to the student schedule- that is, having homework and class, not just going, working, and being done.

To that effect I've found out that I get the most done if I go to the library right after class and just work until I'm done. Otherwise I go home, procrastinate, and don't start reading till 1AM, which is the time I should be crawling in bed if not earlier.

Also, I haven't had quite as much gym time as I thought I would. I think I'm going to have to make an effort to go three times a week and use that time to the best of my ability. I need to break my all or nothing mentality, and three days a week should help.

In other news, Nathan and I are fighting, and probably on the brink of breaking up. He told me he hadn't said anything because he didn't want to make me mess up in school or be essentially a hot mess in general. It made me uneasy, because while I love him, and while I've cried an awful lot since last night, I'll be fine.

When I'm upset, I hyper focus. I go to the gym. I study my ass off. I stay as busy as possible to not think about it. So maybe I've done laundry, rearranged my bedroom, washed all the blankets on my bed, scrubbed my bathroom, and dusted and vacuumed the apartment today and I'm getting ready to do homework until I need to shower to go out tonight...

Food intake's been good this week, though there was a big Chinese meal on Thursday with a new friend and a slight run in with a big bowl of ice cream after Nathan and I decided to "sleep on it" before we made any big decisions.

Last night I didn't want to break up. Today I'm not so sure.
=/

Have I mentioned how much I love spinning?

2009-08-25T20:18:00.002-04:00

Tonight I went to spinning. I've missed the dark, packed room at my old gym where they only turned the fans on halfway through the class. Today's class was in a big, well lit, spacious room. There were huge fans, big mirrors everywhere, good music, and plenty of cubby room to put your stuff. While I do still miss the dark- it made me focus more on what I was doing and less on everyone else- I still really enjoyed the class.

My booty hurts, but spinning more than anything else helps clear my mind. I absolutely love it.

The first day of school...

2009-08-24T15:10:00.002-04:00

Today was my first day of school, and it went surprisingly well. I wasn't lost or overwhelmed in class, and the class I was dreading the most wasn't too terrible (but I also wasn't called on, so I'm sure that helped). My plan for this evening is to do my homework, make dinner, and then hit the rec center for 45 minutes. Group exercise classes start tomorrow evening- I'm going to spinning! I'm pretty pumped. :)

Week 1

2009-08-23T23:07:00.002-04:00

I've done well on plan this past week, considering I went out and drank 3 nights last week. It looks like my official loss is going to be 2 pounds. I've went to the gym twice. I've also figured out that simply carrying my law school textbooks will be a workout in and of itself.

But overall, I'm a little disappointed. In the 4 times I've done Weight Watchers, I've always lost 4-7 pounds in the first week. I realize that going out three times is a factor and that 2 pounds is 2 pounds, but still, I was hoping for more.

Tomorrow's my first day of school, and I've spent half the day yesterday and today doing homework. I'm nervous and excited, and hoping I make it through this week!

Orientation.

2009-08-19T22:28:00.003-04:00

Today was day 1 of law school orientation. I survived, and am still smiling. Tomorrow starts our first trial discussion, so hopefully and we meet in our small groups (who we have all our classes with). So far, things are good.

Although I had a piece of cake and 2 glasses of wine at the reception, I stayed within my daily points. So far, I haven't had too much trouble getting back on track. I can't wait till Monday, when I can start going to the gym.

Things are exciting right now and I'm happy. :)

And so it goes...

2009-08-17T14:33:00.002-04:00

Motivation ebbs and flows.

The past few months have certainly been an ebb for my motivation. The stress of moving, living at home for 6 weeks, and not being surrounded by my friends, fancy gym, boyfriend, and so on lead me to eat with open abandon.

I'm getting ready to start law school this week. Orientation starts Wednesday, and my first day of real class will be next Monday. I'm starting to get nervous and excited.

I'm ready to get back on track, on schedule, and back to healthy eating.

I joined Weight Watchers online today. My starting weight was 202, uncomfortably above my last recorded weight in May of 186 pounds. Up 16 pounds. Also, up almost a total of 30 pounds from my all time low of 173.2.

We all have setbacks. This summer has been a setback for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOLD IT.

I just read that all that I wrote, and I don't sound happy at all!

It's hard to come back and admit you've gained 30 pounds. It's hard not to think "I've failed again. This is hopeless." But I'm looking at the bright side- I came back. I can do this. I can get to a healthy weight... or at least back into my pretty pretty size 14 jeans from the gap that no longer button....

The thing is, I realize that it's not going to work unless I'm doing this for me. No one else cares about my weight. My friends, family, and boyfriend love me for who I am. Although my weight has given me enough emotional baggage for a lifetime, it doesn't have to define me. This is my journey to get fit, not my journey to become Sarah the skeletor!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here we go...

Day 1: Starting weight 202 pounds.
Current points allowed on WW: 27
Initial goal: Under 200 pounds.
5% goal: 191
10% goal: 180
"I'm back in the game bitches" goal: 178 (where I stayed for 6 months, eek)
"Suck it, former all time low" goal: 170

Ultimate goal: Healthy weight range for a 5'6" woman: 124-155. I'm hoping for somewhere between 140 and 150.

How do you regain motivation?

2009-06-15T12:47:00.002-04:00

Hey all. I know I haven't written much lately. I still lurk and read everyone's blogs, I just having been contributing.

I'm finding it so hard to get back into the swing of things. I like not thinking about what I'm eating instead of watching every bite that goes in my mouth. I like reading and playing on the computer instead of running 5 miles.

But today I had salad for lunch and went to the gym.

Small steps and changes will get me back on track!!

The last Monday...

2009-06-01T10:16:00.003-04:00

Today begins my official last week of work. I've been working to transition my job, and now I really don't have anything to do. I'm actually starting to look forward to moving- more in a "can't we just get it over with" way than anything else.

I put in both Tae Bo and 30 Day Shred over the weekend, but couldn't get motivated to do either. I did get a good walk in Saturday night (nevermind that it was bar hopping, we parked far up on Limestone walked downtown Lexington and back). The walk was especially pleasant on the way back, when it literally sprinkled, then poured, then hailed on us (we were in the car for the hail, luckily). It rained hard enough to make my mascara run down my face- needless to say, I looked like a hot mess by the time I got back to the car.

Nathan got a slightly more permanent job in Columbus (and got hired on to stay at least another month) and so we're really starting to grapple with what long distance means. He was in Kentucky this weekend, but we didn't get to see each other-- he found out he got the job for sure on Friday and wants to be moved in and ready for work by tomorrow. I'm about ready to just throw up my hands. He'll be back in town Friday night, and he's supposed to stay with me on Saturday. He promised. =\

In other news, I'm looking forward to hitting the gym and the pool next week. Hopefully Cory (the gay bf) won't have too much to do and will be available for pool/porch time. We pretty much lived out on the porch of our dorm last summer, and will need to have much porch time this month before I move. :)

Up, up, up...

2009-05-27T09:12:00.002-04:00

Or so the scale is going. There was a lot of eating out while I was at the beach with my mom, and there's been a lot of eating out here in Lexington as I'm trying to see all my friends before I move.

I don't have a lot to say about it.

I'm unhappy that I'm not maintaining, but I know I can get it back into control. When work ends, I'll have 3 weeks to regularly go to the gym and spend a lot of time there. Packing up and carrying everything I own will be another good weekend of workouts, not to mention scrubbing both apartments down head to toe.

If nothing else, I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy my time left with my friends.

Fat and comfort...

2009-05-19T10:41:00.002-04:00

Lyn wrote a post about how being heavy was comforting in many ways. Tony disagreed with her, and I wanted to talk about my experiences with comfort and weight.

I always told my mom that she didn't need to worry about me when I was at my heaviest. When I was heavy, I was living and enjoying my life. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate to celebrate, and let's face it- I made the best mixed drinks ever because I didn't care about their calorie content.

For me, being heavy is me being happy, having fun, not worrying about everything I put in my mouth. In some ways, I'm most blissfully unaware of my weight when I'm my heaviest. When I'm heavier, I put myself out there even more- I may be fat, but I'm the loud, silly, funny fat friend. I may be fat, but my makeup looks AMAZING. I may be fat, but I'm the mommy of my friends, the comforter, the girl that can make you go from bawling to laughing.

Now yes, being fat has its downsides. For one, my health suffered- my hip hurt from being so heavy. I would get out of breath and kind of sweaty just walking to class (not acceptable when your entire campus takes up a little less than 3 blocks). I had trouble finding clothes that I wanted, much less in the style I wanted. I constantly felt boys didn't like me because I was fat, and lamented that I'd never find love... and so on.

But now let's look at what me being skinny entails.
- I obsess about everything that goes into my mouth. If I have a bowl of cereal, I worry that it should be smaller. I feel like a failure when I give into candy or something that I know isn't good for me. I spiral into this all or nothing attitude where I either eat incredibly healthy or literally eat until I feel sick. All the while, I feel guilt about it.

This is part of the reason I've been slacking on my diet. I saw myself getting more and more crazy, and had to break the cycle. My weight is up a little now, but I feel like I'm getting more in touch with what my body wants, with how much I need to eat to be satisfied. The weight is going back down, and I feel like I'm back in control.

-I've turned into the girl that asks if I look ok. I worry about bumps and lumps in my clothing choices. I still have trouble finding clothes that fit because the plus sized clothing is too big, but a lot of regular sized clothing doesn't fit me right either. I've been wearing a lot of sundresses and skirts/tshirt combos because I can't find pants I like.

-I'm still convinced that boys won't like me because I'm fat. It takes a lot for me not to cringe sometimes if Nathan touches a spot I deem too jiggly, or to say "stop pinching my gross extra skin!!!" if he's doing that. The shape of my body is weird. I have stretch marks on top of stretch marks on top of stretch marks. My grandmother ~~probably~~ has a better rack than I do.

BUT HERE'S WHAT I'VE REALIZED:
-I'm uncomfortable with myself, small or big. Until I stop being a hot mess and get my shit together, I'm going to be uncomfortable.

I'm going to have to deal with my issues- everything from how I deal with stress to realizing how fabulous I am.

So I'm a work in progress, and I'm ok with that. For the moment, the sun is shining, and I'm happy. :)

Open me up and you will see, I'm a gallery of broken hearts...

2009-05-19T10:17:00.002-04:00

Title from Ingrid Michaelson's "Be Ok". It's one of my theme songs right now.

This week just keeps getting better. Last night I went to a desert party with my sorority family and had a blast- I brought cookies, and I don't feel like I went crazy with the deserts, so I was pretty happy about that. Tonight I'm going to a dinner party at another friend's house (again, with all my girls). Most of them are getting ready to go home for the summer, and where I'm moving soon we're all just trying to get together as much as we can.

Things are ok with Nathan being in Ohio working. In general, I'm sad that he's gone, but we talk every day, so I'm trying to deal with it and just think of it as a trial run for when I move. Some nights (like last night) it really sucks though- I was just having one of those nights where you don't want to go to sleep alone. Oh well... less than 2 weeks till he's back. :)

In super happy news, I get to go to the beach!! My mom is already down there because there's some work being done on the house, and my Dad is heading down on Thursday. They begged me to go starting Sunday night, and I asked for a few days off this week, figuring it would be too late and I would get a no. Much to my surprise, my boss immediately said yes and now I'm planning on driving home to West Virginia tomorrow after work, then heading down to NC with Daddy on Thursday. I'm already smiling thinking about beach walks, fresh shrimp, and reading on the porch in the ocean air. :D

Loving my life...

2009-05-17T22:11:00.003-04:00

This weekend was so much fun.
I spent a lot of time at the alma matter, and just got to be silly and giggly. Sometimes there's just nothing like spending time with your friends. We even got a walk in, nevermind that we were going to a houseparty we stayed at for under 10 minutes, lol.

The weight was 186 today, down from 193 and 189. We went to Olive Garden and I only ate half my dinner. Maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to get things under control again.

And and and.... I GOT MY TATTOO THIS WEEKEND!!!! :D

Sooooooo excited! I absolutely love it.

Yeah... those are my underwear. I feel a bit awkward, but that's the best picture I have of it (esp since the tat is small and backwards in the mirror shot).

Biggest Loser finale- LAME

2009-05-13T11:21:00.003-04:00

From what I've seen around the blogs so far today, a lot of people are on the same page as me- The Biggest Loser Finale was a letdown. We'd seen all the footage except the weigh in, and the amount of commercials was pretty ridiculous. Did it really need to be 3 hours? Did they really just show the going home footage they show when the contestant is booted off, but nothing new?

LAME.

However, I watched the last hour or so of the show with Nathan, over instant messager. I got such gems as the following:

Nathan- Tara doesn't have any boobs. At all.
Me- I know the feeling.
Nathan- A C isn't nothing.
Me-You didn't know me in my glory days. I have no boobs anymore. I have a picture of my friends wearing my bra like a giant hat.

Me- Yeah, she's almost too skinny (Helen). I carry my weight in my stomach/hips/butt
Nathan- I like big hips and butts.
Me- I've noticed.
Nathan- More to grab on to.

I've written about this before, but it's worth mentioning again- I appreciate the confidence that Nathan gives me about my body.

HOLD UP!!!

I'm not saying that my confidence should or does come from others.

Going by that mindset, what is given can be taken away. Nathan makes me feel pretty today, but if my confidence is based with him, what happens if he tells me something negative about myself?

This is why I try to base what I believe about myself off of what I think, not anyone else. Yeah, it's hard, and I know we all have our days when we struggle... but on those days, it's nice to have someone (be it boyfriend, family, or a friend) to reassure you that you're amazing. :)

What I am saying is that I like him appreciating my body.

I like that he likes me for who I am. He likes my big hips. He acts like I'm blaspheming if I complain about my chest (be it size or lack of perk I'm whining about). I can just be myself, and I appreciate that.

It makes me feel like maybe I'm being a little nuts with all the body hate- after all, why should I waste time hating my body or worrying about what it looks like when I have someone there who appreciates it?

The thing is, I don't hate myself or my body. Overall, I'm amazed with what my body is capable of. But I, like everyone, have days where I look at myself and could burst into tears. When Nathan came over Friday night, I was having one of those "don't even look at me" days. I'd eaten healthy and everything, but just felt gross.

Yesterday, after consuming 2 bbq sandwiches, a bowl of cereal, a candy bar, 5 cookies, some cheese, and 3 diet cokes in the 3 hours I'd been home, I was putting on my pj's after my shower (so maybe I was in my pj's by 7:30 yesterday. Don't judge). I looked over and caught a side view of myself in my tank top and little shorts. First thought? God I look good!!

I'm a nut, and I love it. :)

What's left to say?

2009-05-11T09:42:00.004-04:00

"What's left to say?
I guess I'll be on my way out.
Too much time is wasted trying to work things out.
I've said it before, for six years too long,
Maybe I'm weak, but I know, I'm not that strong..." - Tired and Weak, 500 Miles to Memphis

First off, condolences to Fat Bridesmaid for the loss of her grandmother. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers- she (and her family) need them!

Next- ugh to everything.
I haven't been eating very well as of late. My weight is 189. That's 16 pounds above my lowest, and 11 above my comfort level. I saw 193 one day, and it clicked that I had to stop. I don't want to see 200 or above ever again. I worked so hard to lose all that weight, and don't want to sabotage it. That's not fair to myself after I spent all that time watching what I ate, all that time in the gym, etc.

I went to the gym yesterday, the first time in god only knows how long. I walked/jogged for 30 minutes, did chest, biceps, and triceps, and a 3 sets of 15 squats using a big exercise ball for 2 sets and 1 set on the bosu. My arms are sore today.

The boy got a job in Ohio, 3 hours from here in Lex, for the next month. He's supposed to leave on Wednesday. He'll be making more than I do, and they pay for his extended stay hotel and his travel arrangements, so it's a good deal and it would be stupid for him not to do it. He has to check on summmer school arrangements- if it's too late to back out, he can't take the job. Am I horrible girlfriend for hoping it doesn't work out and he has to stay? It was all I could do to keep from crying when he told me (he doesn't do well with tears yet- I'm working on him, lol). When he left my apartment on Friday, I cried harder than I have in a long time. I only have about 6-7 weeks left in Kentucky, and now he's going to be gone for 3-4. I know we'll still talk all the time and it can even be a good trial for the move... but UGH UGH UGH.

I know I've had this rant, and you all have reassured me that everything will be ok, but I'm still freaking out about moving. It doesn't matter that my friends are already planning a visit, it doesn't matter that friends from home who are in Morgantown are already offering to help move me in...

LOGICALLY, I know it's going to be fine. Good even.

But I'm sorry, have we met?
My name is Sarah and I am a HOT MESS/emotional wreck. Don't wanna move! Don't wanna leave my friends! Don't wanna be 5 hours from my boyfriend (who is my first somewhat serious relationship in 2 years, and probably the best boyfriend I've ever had, which is frightening. And sad.)Don't want my family to arrange my new apartment in ways I don't want it. Grumble.

But on the plus side, I'm having a cute day by wearing an inappropriate for work outfit. No, it's not short or sleazy- It's a knee length blue cotton skirt, a white tshirt, pretty sandals and a cardigan to dress the outfit up. Our office is pretty casual, but this (in my opinion) is pushing it a bit.

Oh well, I'm adorable. :P

Blog award!

2009-05-08T10:02:00.004-04:00

Aimee gave me a blog award! Thanks, Aimee!

Here are the rules:

Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you.

Frankly, I haven't really come across a blog I don't like. Kudos as always to Aimee, Shelley, Fat Bridesmaid, Happy Fun Pants, and Dave.

Busy busy busy...

2009-05-04T11:07:00.004-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around much. It seems like I've just stayed busy the past week.

Good news- I'm down 2 pounds. Still in the 180's though.

Eh news- I haven't seen my boyfriend, who lives 20 minutes from me in 3 weeks. I'm ok with this, as I hear from him every day, but of course I'm frustrated.

Mostly, I've been debating with myself.

I set an original goal weight of 175. When I got to that point, I decided I wanted to go further, and go down to 145. But after months of staying at 178, and getting down to a lowest of 173, I'm trying to figure out what would be best for my body. I just don't know if I have the willpower to get down to 145- I feel like that would require much more dedication and training than I'm willing to give.

Right now, I'm going to focus on getting back to 175 and going back to the gym 3 days a week. I can do this. :)

*Edit, to answer HFP
I decided on 175 because a friend that I thought was just gorgeous told me that's what she weighed. Since then, she's lost about 20 pounds in part due to finding out she's alleric to everything.

I'm 5'6, and BMI tables tell me that the highest I should weigh and be in the healthy range is 154. I feel like I'm making excuses in wanting to be 20 pounds heavier than that, but at some point I feel like I have to stop killing myself for a perfect number and just be happy with all the progress I've made.

Comfort baking and fruit...

2009-04-28T12:51:00.005-04:00

I've been eating oddly lately. I eat ok... I'm working in a lot more fruits and veggies this week, at least... but I'm still so tempted by bad food, especially if I'm tired or emotional over something (be it super happy, frustrated, pissed, whatever).

Last night Nathan was supposed to come over since he's been supposed to be up in his eyeballs in HW the past few days. As always, he's procrastinated and doesn't have time to come over, I get all ticked off and whiney, and he gets all you know i'd rather be hanging out with you than doing my HW... something he illustrated as "girlfriend > trig".

So me being frustrated led to comfort cleaning. I picked up the house, cleaned up the kitchen... and then comfort cleaning led into comfort baking... and next think I know, I have 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies on my counter and I got to comfort clean MORE in washing the dishes.

I tried to pass some of the cookies off on my friend Ryan that lives in apartment my complex, but he didn't want delicious baked goods?

*What the hell Ryan?! Your role as man friend is to eat my delicious baked goods, tell me when I'm crossing into "crazy girlfriend" territory, and make me laugh with your random blog posts about cats* Ryan is the Gate Blog on my blog roll, if you're interested. Most of his blog is former nerdy frat boy humor. Gotta love it.

But even if I'm overloaded in cookies, I'm still happy that I'm eating more fruit. I'm planning on doing 30 Day Shred today so I'll hurt everywhere tomorrow.

And on a happy note, I have on a dress today and it makes me smile. Oh, and I got my hair cut over the weekend and it's super precious. And by super precious, I mean a half inch shorter and bangs I can "swooop" when I want.

Forgive the jackass poses. They're what I do best these days.

Still young...

2009-04-27T11:31:00.002-04:00

I know a lot of you readers chuckle at the things that still come as a shock to me- like how working 40+ hours a week takes away the majority of your free time, you don't stay as close to your friends when you don't all live in the same building anymore, you never have enough time to do what you want and need, etc. I constantly bemoan how I'm getting so old and can't wait to go back to the "student" schedule.

Turns out, I don't handle student weekends so well.

I went out with a buddy who's still at the alma matter Saturday, and I got sick sick sick. While I didn't drink THAT MUCH more than I usually do, I think a cigarette really pushed me over the edge. I still feel sick to my stomach today, so that's extra fun. Needless to say, most of yesterday was spent bemoaning how bad I felt. I was in bed by 10 last night but fully plan on going home and sleeping a few more hours (esp. since I'm supposed to see the boyfriend for the first time in over 2 weeks tonight).

So turns out, acting young and stupid isn't that much fun.

Who knew?

So maybe this is my third post today...

2009-04-21T15:40:00.002-04:00

But I just noticed from picture overload that
1- I wear a lot of pink.
2- I often get chosen to take pictures of myself/the group, leading my head to look much bigger than everyone else's.
3- I love my crooked smile.
4- I need to spend more time with my girls- that's a big ole grin there!!

Pictures and such...

2009-04-21T13:00:00.009-04:00

December 2007... right before finals and a formal, weight around 280-285.

February 1, 2009...Somewhere between 178 and 185, I'm guesing. Look at creepy jaw line!

This is a picture of the boy and I from his show in March:

It's on my myspace page. One of my friends is in dental school and left me this comment: "Those are some awesome sternocleidomastoids!haha :o)".

I wrote back a haha about dental school teaching him about more than just teeth... but here's what I was thinking:

Just personally, I'm afraid I'm going to turn into Fat Bastard, as quoted in Goldmember: "Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina."

So there's a happy thought for you all- lose a shit load of weight and you too can have a va-jay-jay neck. WOO!! Luckily, it only looks like that when I'm holding out a camera like that, so I think I'm still good. Also, I'm not drunk in that picture... I just look it. I think it's because Nathan's faces in our photo shoot were making me laugh until I cried. :)

You've come a long way, baby...

2009-04-21T08:18:00.003-04:00

I love facebook, myspace, and running into people I haven't seen in 6+ months. I went over to the alma matter last night to hang out with my friends David and Onna, and saw a guy- he said, "Sarah? Where's the rest of you? I didn't even recognize you!".

A few guys from high school have been dropping extra "looking good" messages and IM's at me.

I read my personal journal and saw an entry from the fall that was me so excited that I weighed 196- the lowest I had ever really seen.

I was 187 the other day (first day of my period, after SALT SALT SALT with the parents)... and I felt like a complete and utter failure.

But reading my journal made me realize I'm being crazy. I've come further on my fitness journey than I ever thought I would. Even weighing in the 180's, I'm lighter than I've ever been. I'm buying around the same size/ a little smaller than I did in SEVENTH grade.

SO WHY THE SELF SACRIFICE?
Personally, I blame it on my own freaking out. I've never been this size, so I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable with the attention I get from others, even if it is complimenting my hard work. I'm frustrated with not knowing what I look like, with not feeling "like myself". I get tired of having to actively think about what I eat and what's good for me. I go into all or nothing gym and health mode, where I run 3 miles, go to spinning, and lift for 30 minutes and have a lite salad for dinner... or I go home and sit on the couch and eat a candy bar. I'm still struggling with life after college. Some days I'm lonely. I'm worried about my relationship with my friends after I move. I'm worried about starting over. I'm worried about if Nathan will ever grow up and pull it together... I worry about anything and everything.

But what good does all this worrying do?

That's right, it doesn't do me any good.

Look at how far I've come... why stop and sabotage it all now?

I'm not dead...

2009-04-16T15:54:00.003-04:00

Just lurking.

Nothing new- it's been a super busy week as far as prepping for my parents visit. My mom called Monday and said she and my daddy were going to stay with me this weekend. She is the nosiest person alive, so I've already moved a few things around, while telling Nathan where they are since I'm bound to forget them. Also, she always tells my sister and I not to clean for her and then frets to the other child about how dirty the house was... so I've already been cleaning for days.

Diet and exercise still eh. Weight is up. :(

You're doing it wrong...

2009-04-13T08:45:00.005-04:00

I haven't worked out since last week, and the eating was bad this weekend- we hit Cheddar's Friday night with all the girls, Mellow Mushroom Saturday afternoon with a besty and a couple other friends, Waffle House after the boy's show Saturday night, and then there was much Easter candy, cinnamon rolls, and various other forms of goodness yesterday.

But even if my eating wasn't fabulous, I got great friend time, Nathan stayed with me on Friday, I went to his show Saturday, and he texted me all afternoon from his grandma's yesterday, then im'd me from the time he got back until I went to bed. Then he texted me when he went to bed, about an hour or 2 before I get up for work.

Plus, I won't lie. My easter splurging was pretty fabulous.

30 Day Shred; Counting Calories

2009-04-09T19:10:00.002-04:00

Today after work I went to Best Buy. I got Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and Billy Blanks' TaeBo T3 Total Transformation Training- which came with 4 DVD's and a set of handweights. I hope I'll like it as much as I like my kickboxing classes. :)

I did level 1 of 30 Day Shred tonight, and I think I did decently. That last circuit was rough! I think I'm going to alternate these workouts and see how I do in the next week.

I've also watched what I ate today, so woo for day one back on track!

So this is pretty personal...

2009-04-08T23:35:00.011-04:00

Happy Fun Pants left a really good comment for me on this post.

...I am in a current relationship with someone that does not meet my needs. And I'm scared. Scared that if I say "goodbye" to this sort of good thing (because when it's good, it's REALLY good!) because what if I never find anyone else? What if my va-jay-jay shrivels up, grows cobwebs, and is never used again?

Today I'm going to talk about... SEX.
Oy vey.
Just don't read any more if you don't really want to know.

I laughed out loud when I read Anne's comment above. At this point in my life, I'm actually more scared of using it than losing it.

I didn't even lost my virginity until after I graduated college. I figured, I was 22, I'd lost 75 pounds, the guy I was dating seemed nice enough (this is the ex that's calling again)... it's a decision I don't regret but wish I would have thought about a little more. After this boy moved, Nathan and I started talking, and went on our first date in August or September but didn't even have our first kiss until a few days before Christmas.

Before me, Nathan was in a relationship of 6 years and they broke up well over a year ago. In many ways I still don't think he's over her. Whereas the past few guys I've dated are the "shower you in compliments" kind of guys, Nathan rarely tells me what he feels, he doesn't give out compliments freely. He's kind of unreliable although the things that come up are valid.

But I can completely be myself with him. He knows that I have my nutso wild mood swings. He knows all about my issues with my weight and my body image. He does tell me the right thing just when I need to hear it and it means more to me because he doesn't do it constantly.

After the first time he stayed at my house, he told me he was so excited to be with me (we hadn't slept together yet). I said something to the effects of "I'm shy... I'm worried about what my body looks like" and he told me he "couldn't wait to put those silly fears away". He sent me a text yesterday that he was sitting next to the skinniest girl ever and it was disgusting (I wrote back, oh, I like you!). He makes me feel completely free to be myself with him. We discuss our fears with the relationship. I've made Toby cat dance in front of him. We definitely started talking about Star Trek last week while we were still cozied up after. He makes me feel special and sexy and adored (that is, when I actually SEE him). We're both only each other's second, so it still feels special, if that makes any sense.

And while I'm afraid that I'm settling for less than I deserve (because the perfect man would tell me nice things just a little more often, come over more than once a week when he only lives 15 mins away, and would own a button up shirt- none of these is too dificult in my opinion)... I'm also scared about what happens if I walk away.

I'm still not comfortable with my body. I'm somewhat afraid of getting "too high" of a number. It kind of breaks my heart that the person I always thought would be my first wasn't, and that I've really moved apart from him in the past year.

I know my relationship with sex in general ties in with my perception of myself, my expectations, what I was raised to believe, and (for me) my weight and how I feel about it. I still freak out easily, so I have to be careful, lol. :)

I'm afraid that in becoming smaller and more confident (I've always been hot... I'm just smaller/more confident hot these days), I'll overstep. Maybe I'll make the wrong decision about who to trust, who to be with. I'm afraid I'll misplace my emotions (aka he wants a one night stand, i want a soul mate)... and that's where I have no fears with Nathan. Nathan is a bit afraid of relationship pressure and it turns out I'm kind of scared of committment (that whole where will be in 3 years thing threw me for a huge loop)... but we let each other know we have these doubts and fears, and we talk about them.

I realize this is all part of growing up... but it's still scary and new to me.

Note to self:

2009-04-08T23:18:00.002-04:00

Dear Sarah,

Get your lazy ass back in the gym and put down the food. Remember when you weighed 283 pounds and you'd be sweating by the time you got into bio? Remember how your hip used to hurt just from doing that? Remember how you'd eat yourself into a frenzy only to say "I'll start tomorrow"?

Yeah, well, you're doing it again lady.

Suck it up and get your ass back in that gym. You have worked too hard to see 185 after you got down to 173.

SO GET TO IT, LITTLE LADY. You will be in your healthy weight range by this fall.

K thanks.

And of course I love you,
<3 me

I'm sure it will all work out.

2009-04-07T10:51:00.002-04:00

Well, on the diet and exercise front, I'm a lazy hobo that loves pasta, pizza, bagels, and not going to the gym.

But in other news:
I found an apartment- 2 bedrooms, twice the size of my current apartment. More expensive than I had hoped, and I had to sign the lease for May because all of the apartments seem to go May to May up there. I signed the lease, got in the car and called my mom to tell her about it, hung up, and cried.

I know it'll be fine. I know I'll like school, that I'll have new adventures and friends and I'll make my apartment that smelled like boys into my pretty costal cottage style adorable-ness. I know that I'll like the gym, that I'll find little places I like to hang out, fun activities linked with school, etc.

BUT I DON'T WANNA, and I'm kind of having a level 6 freak out over this on a scale of 1-3.

Nothing new...

2009-04-02T10:02:00.002-04:00

Well, I don't really have any updates for you all.

I'm still eating poorly and haven't been to the gym this week. Monday night I didn't feel like going, Tuesday was Campus Sing at the alma matter (which is a huge deal there) and then the boy came over. I didn't go to Weight Watchers this week either.

Last night I had to do laundry and pack for this weekend, and tonight I'm headed for WV after work because I'm apartment hunting in Morgantown tomorrow (staying at home tonight, driving the 2 hrs from home to Motown tomorrow), staying with a high school bestie, and going to an admitted student's luncheon at the law school Saturday.

It's going to be a busy few days. Luckily, I'm taking off Monday so I can have a chance to recover from my travels. :)

Shelley made me special! :)

2009-03-31T12:03:00.006-04:00

Aww, thanks Shelley. I feel so loved. :)

With this award, you're supposed to name 7 things you LOVE, and then pass it along to 7 others.

1. Reading. For me, the perfect day is a toss up between being curled up with a great book @/on the beach or during a huge snowstorm at home (both have their advantages).

2. This week, Victoria's Secret. I got measured yesterday, and discovered that my once magnificent DD's had whittled away to a C. While I took the time to mourn the 2 cup size lost complete with a whining call to my sister and a "i'm a sad panda" text to Nathan, I perked up considerably (hehe) when I realized that I can now wear underwear appropriate to a 23 year old girl!!! The sad part to this is that with all of my lacy frilly fancy options now available, I'm going with white cotton today, lol.

3. Making "to-do" lists, and crossing things off. Actually, list making in general makes me pretty happy. Is that weird?

4. Like Shelley, I love the interwebs. What did people do before Google?!?!?

5. My baby cat. Nevermind that he weighs 11 pounds now, he's still my baby.

6. Sunny days, driving with the windows down and the music up.

7. Sundresses and flip flops... :)

And now for my seven:
1. Dave
2. FB
3. Anne
4.Dina
5.Allison
6.Aimee
7. HK

I love these sorts of posts. :)

Happy time!!

2009-03-30T09:36:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry I'm being negative.
It's positive list time.

1- I have everything I need and am incredibly greatful for that.

2-I have friends who are so excited to have me in Morgantown. I've already had 2 roomie offers, 3 different suggestions of what apartment complex would be good to look at, and a few old old friends get super excited that I'm going to be in the area.

3- I'm going to law school! I really am happy I got in and excited to go.

4- I am much much much healthier than I was in January of 2008. It doesn't hurt to walk a block. I can go up 3 flights of stairs while talking to a coworker. I don't hate veggies nearly as much these days.

5-I had some AMAZING friend time this weekend. I laughed until I almost cried Friday night. I saw a drag show and got kissed on the cheek by a drag queen Saturday. I spent quality time with some of my favorite people last night.

6- Losing 111 pounds has taught me more about dating in the past year than the past 10 years of dating have.

7-Toby cat is always happy to see me, and I'm happy to see him too. (Don't judge- pet owners live longer happier lives, lol)

8- Everything happens for a reason, works out as it should, and will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

Well, this one's gonna be a downer, and a lot of off topic drama.

2009-03-30T08:32:00.005-04:00

In our Weight Watchers meeting last week or the week before, we got this comparison (I've mentioned it before so I thought I would explain it)-

"If you're driving down the road and you get a flat tire, you fix it. You don't slash the other three tires."

Then they say, if you eat one bad thing, you don't have to give up and just eat everything. You don't have to slash the other 3 tires.

I, my friends, am a tire slasher.

After 1 week, my weight has climbed back up to 178 (that would be 5 pounds). I've also drank 3 nights in a row (Girl's night, a trip out with my gay boyfriend Cory, and out for a birthday)... and when I drink, I eat more- ie, when I pulled into the neighborhood after I dropped Cory off, I stopped at Taco Bell.... "to sop up some of the alcohol" even though I was clearly fine to drive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's what I've figured out are my triggers:
-Alcohol
-Tortilla chips and salsa
-Ceasar light salad (the bagged salad- the dressing is super salty and sets me off)
-Salty stuff in general
-Snickers bars
-Papa John's pizza
-Stress
-Feeling deprived
-Not feeling "ok" about a situation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not feeling very good about my relationship with Nathan right now.

When we had that fight a couple weeks ago, he brought up that he's worried what will happen if we break up after law school (as in 3 years from now) because most people meet their significant others in school. This peeved me to no end because 1)we met on the internet (not school) and 2) he can't tell me what he's doing tomorrow night or nail down a plan of when we'll see each other next, but he wants to know where our relationship will be in 3 years?!?

Then, the guy I dated before Nathan has been calling and texting. He moved away for work about a month after we had met and started dating. It didn't work out because he said he needed to focus on work. Plus, he pulled some shady business as far as calling when he said he would. This guy asks me why Nathan's not with me, tells me how much he misses little things... and um, quite frankly he has his shit WAY MORE together than Nathan does. But he's also 5 years older than Nathan and I, and this is why he's got it more together. It's one of those things that good lord I hope I'll be more put together at 27/28 than I have been at 22/23, ya know?

And while I'm 84% sure the ex is trying this is because he's lonely, wants some, and I'm now more alluring because I have a boyfriend and oh yeah I'll be gone in 3 months... it still makes me grumpy. Not because I want to be with him, not because I don't want to be with Nathan, but because I'm not happy with either one of them right now.

Here's the scary thing- I know I put up with stuff because I'm afraid that if I give up on this one person that wants me, no one else will.

Seriously, give me back the 111 pounds. I didn't deal with this shit when I was heavier.

And clearly, this fear is ridiculous as I am smart and funny and gorgeous. Plus,not only do I have a boyfriend, but Ryan has told me I have reached "ssuupp ggggiiiirrrlll" status, and I got a bunch of drinks bought for me that weekend I visited Whittney. Plus this is 2009, not 1949. I am woman and hear me roar and such.

So why do I let this happen? What is it about me that I'm so afraid I'm not good enough?

Then, after all this pointless boy drama, I'm worried about law school. Do I really want to do this, or am I going for more school to appease my family? Do I really not want to move 5ish hours away or am I just afraid of the unfamiliar? I mean, I think I'll enjoy law school, and I think I can find my niche when it comes to the law, even if I end up teaching over practicing.

Plus, once I'm in Morgantown and settled in and such, I know I'll have fun and be excited and all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But I'm worried and unhappy and stressed about it all, and it makes me want to sit in my apartment and watch bad TV and eat ice cream instead of facing it all or working off the stress at the gym.

When will we learn?

2009-03-28T11:25:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about how we use weight as a crutch. When you're heavy, you can blame everything on that. He doesn't like me because I'm fat. I did't do well on that because they think I'm stupid because I'm fat. And so on.

Lately, I've really been trying to deal with the fact that losing weight just doesn't magically fix things. I'm smaller than I've ever been, literally wearing smaller pants than I did in 7th grade... but I'm still dealing with my issues with my body, my relationship with food, my extremist tendencies to be all in or all out, and so on.

Girl's night was mucho fun. I absolutely love those girls, and I miss being with them 24/7 more than they will realize (at least unil they graduate and go through it too, lol).

Last night after about 5 of my pink panty pulldowns (and after everyone had left), I was talking to my friend Ryan on instant messanger (the phone of my generation, you understand :P ). He came over a bit and drank with us, so we were drunkenly trying to make sense of our lives. He said something that made lot of sense to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me: Do you feel like life sucks these days? I'm just never truly happy anymore.
Ryan: I can handle not being happy. I'm working on things, and i think we all are. I'm okay with being a work in progress. i just don't like when everyone else has to point it out.
Me: I know this is stupid, but i just thought everything would be better once i got into school and i lost all the weight...and it seems like things are even more fucked up now.
Ryan: if it makes you feel better, when i was leaving the other day i saw a girl and thought "supppp giiiiirl" and then noticed it was you.
Me: That does make me happy. Can i at least ask what i was wearing so i know to wear this again?
Ryan: Don't remember...I was driving, more important things on the mind
Me: But at least i got the sup girl before i got the oh shit, know her, fuck fuck fuck reaction, lol
*Bloggers, please ignore my drunken potty mouth that comes out when I'm with my guy friends especially*
Ryan: that followed after
Me: As it should. like you told me earlier... i'm not really a girl...but at least i can get that momentary sup girl.
Ryan: you only get one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love this boy. He always knows just what to say, LOL.

So losing weight isn't going to magically fix things. I knew this. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard concept to accept. Part of me still just hoped that somehow, once I got below the magical 185 line, everything would be better.

What are some things you wish you would have been prepared for when it comes to your weight loss? What are your challenges/ what do you think holds you back?

I am SOOOO hardcore...

2009-03-27T10:12:00.008-04:00

Maddie is the instructor at Urban Active that probably challenges me the most. I've had her for kickboxing, abs, and TRX (that thing with the cord/handles that made me not be able to walk for like 3 days in December).

Well, last night she complimented my "perfect form" in kickboxing. I was so excited!!

I ended up only running 2.5 miles before kickboxing because I ran into one of the most wonderful, sweet, beautiful men I've ever known and just had to chat with him for 15 minutes. I love my Adam- we went to school together and we were each other's hot date for many a sorority/fraternity function (aka, I took him to all but 2 dances my first THREE years of college, lol). He really is just one of the kindest people you'll ever meet, and we've only seen each other 2 or 3 times in the past 2 years, so he was certainly worth sacrificing a half mile for. If he liked women, he'd be the absolute perfect man. ;)

One of his formals, my junior year.

One of my formals, my freshman year.

Isn't he just precious?

So between a super awesome workout, getting super excited about girl's night, and getting to see an old friend, yesterday was WONDERFUL. :)

Well, that was a bad day.

2009-03-26T08:14:00.003-04:00

Here's what I ate yesterday:
-2 mini bagels with a tablespoon of cream cheese.
-2 small bites of monkey bread (aka 1/2 a biscuit)
-Blueberry muffin
-Biscuit w/ jelly
- 1/2 club sandwich
-2 cups fruit (which I picked over fries... yay for 1 healthy choice!)
-Big chocolate donut
Here's where I stopped counting my points... but here the total was around 34 :(
-10 crab rangoon and sauce
-2 cups rice
-garlic chicken/carrots/peas/waterchestnuts... about 1/3 of the package.
-100 cal hostess coffee cake

Well CRAP. So much for self control. Also, I was just feeling UGH (no doubt because I was eating shit and therefore felt like it) and I was pouty and skipped the gym.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I felt so sick to my stomach last night. I ate the chinese to the point that I literally hurt. I didn't go to the gym even though I needed to.

So here's what we're doing today:
1. Drinking water. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS (oh, and lots) of WATER. No pop today (even though I only had 1 can yesterday...).

2. Running 3 miles, kickboxing, 15 min abs class after kickboxing.

3. Fruits and veggie day.
This means I'm having a banana for breakfast, carrots, grapes, and the other half of the club sandwich for lunch, something small for dinner (maybe even just a 3 pt turkey sandwich) with corn and green beans. Probably more carrots and grapes. I guess this equals out to a "hey let's stay away from processed foods day".

But this week is going to be a toughie. Tomorrow night I'm hosting girl's night with my best friends. I will be making our signature drink, pink panty pull downs (vodka, pink lemonade, sprite), plus I'll need to get something else to eat... I have chips and salsa, but I should probably pick up something else small. Sad fact? I already bought sugar free lemonade and I can use diet sprite... as long as I make it beforehand, no one will know. Muahahaha.

Sunday I'm going to the mexican place by my apartment for a friend's birthday.

So all of this means I need to eat IN MODERATION (or as I've seen on everyone's WW blogs, STOP SLASHING THE OTHER 3 TIRES you silly ass!!!!!!) and log some serious gym time this weekend.

Ugh. Here's hoping I don't gain this week.

Official weigh in...

2009-03-24T19:06:00.002-04:00

173.6... for a grand total of minus 13.2 in 2 weeks. I got my 5% star tonight.

Honestly, I don't know why it happened. I did eat under points twice, but I've had taco bell, mcdonald's, papa john's, starbucks, and half a box of girl scout cookies. While I'm obviously elated to FINALLY be under 178, and of my original goal of 175, it just seems weird that it came off that quick after the scale wasn't really moving in months.

Super happy though!